Junkin Says

Superbowl Apathy: A Wing Lover’s Guide To Eating With Football And Kind Of Understanding What’s Happening

The Superbowl is on Sunday and a lot of people don’t care but want to go to a party where there is delicious Chili. The thing is that The Superbowl happens every year and you don’t want to lose future invites because you are a football ignoramus who does something that sports fans consider shitty. Something like irreverently getting in front of the TV, raising your arm and screaming ‘ Go Mets!’ at the pivotal moment where the Ravens are about to beat the spread. Don’t know why that’s bad or even what the fuck it means? Read this, get the basics so that you can annually, and forever unabashedly feast on something that is on a chicken body, without  purpose covered in BBQ sauce and Blue Cheese.

This Superbowl

This is Beyonce’s Superbowl or Superbowl XLVII . It is being played in New Orleans. Luckily, you don’t have to call it that and you can just refer to it as ‘Superbowl 41. I don’t know why they use Roman numerals since very few people know how to read them, especially football fans. I am curious whom in the organization’s job it is to figure out how to write it.

The Teams

 The Baltimore Ravens- They are purple and have a bird on their outfits. Their Quarterback, who is kind of the main guy is Joe Flacco, he’s only ok cute. Eyes will be on Ray Lewis, he considered a very good linebacker, is retiring this year, and may or may not have been involved on the non- victim side of a murder 13 years ago. If you are picking teams arbitrarily and have an affinity for literature pick the Ravens because they were named after the Edgar Allan Poe poem.

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In a tie with Hitchcock’s Bird’s for ‘scariest fowl’ award by the Ottobon Society

 The San Francisco 49ers – They are gold and red and have the number 49 in actual number numerals on their football costume. Their quarterback is, well, it’s complicated. It was this guy Alex Smith but now it’s this other guy Colin Kaepernick. * Awkward*. Smith got demoted because he got a concussion while helping his team get where they are today. It’s not murder drama but it’s a good human interest story. They will probably keep showing his scorned face on TV. It will make for good reality programming and/ or a good drinking game. If you are picking teams arbitrarily and like going to better cities over lamer ones this is your team.

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Their first win was stealing this logo from the Schadenfreude Guild. The team’s happiness over the coup was the ultimate demise of the guild.

 The Basics

The point of the game is to get the ball from your zone into the other team’s zone. A touchdown is when someone on your team, usually, a super jacked, agile black dude runs the ball in while holding it. That is called a touchdown and is worth six points.  If it gets kicked through those posts it’s called a field goal, that’s worth three points.

After a touchdown or field goal the team gets to go for a conversion.  A kick is worth one point and running it in is worth two, they usually kick. Both are from really close. A missed conversion is kind of funny.

 There are rules to get points. Each team has an offensive line and defensive line. When a team’s offensive line is playing they are trying to score against the other team’s defensive line. You can tell which line is which because the offensive linemen are a combination of skinny guys and guys who look like they get paid to eat cheeseburgers. Defensive lines look like what the army may have used before tanks were invented.

 When a team has possession it means the offensive line get four tries to go ten yards. Each of those tries is called a down. If they go ten or more yards they start counting down again. If not they lose the ball. When they know this is going to happen they usually kick the ball as far into the opposing zone as they can so that the other team has farther to travel when they try to score. Occasionally they will lose possession because the other team’s defensive line will intercept the ball.

Given the legal troubles of many football players this ‘many chances’ thing appears to be a life philosophy, just ask OJ Simpson.

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It doesn’t fit…. acquit! 

Party Etiquette

Unless you are watching the game with giant losers who are either gambling more than they can afford with a bookie that will chop their hand off, or superfans who’s giant guts are painted like jerseys it’s ok to talk.

There is always at least one non-football related conversation happening. That’s part of the fun. Just don’t be louder than the TV and also, if something major is happening, just watch. It will only take like 20 seconds, then resume your discussion about whether or not Beyonce used a surrogate.

 

Fake News: Good Medical News Means New Legal Trouble For Reality Star

Producers of the hit reality show ‘ Six Months Left’ filed a breech of contract lawsuit on Monday against Victor Petroff when his rare aggressive cancer was found to be in remission. Producers say that when he was cast for the show it was with the understanding that he would be dead by next week . “ Our viewers tune in every week to see people in physical and emotional agony resulting in death, not miraculous recoveries.” Says Dawn Felix, spokeswoman for the network.

 Mr. Petroff was unavailable for comment because he remains on a respirator and it is very difficult for him to speak.  His wife Anne Petroff says that his recovery is bittersweet in a written public statement.  “ We is (sic) hapy (sic) to hav (sic) him alive but not diing (sic) will git (sic) rid of his bonis (sic) and now we have to go to court. “

The show follows five to seven palliative care patients and their families. Cast members are replaced post mortem. The network claims the biggest ratings happen when there is an episode where someone actually dies. “ People’s last breath, that’s what Americans want to see.” Says Felix.

It is rumored that two networks see potential in his recovery and are battling for a ‘Honey Boo Boo’ style spinoff show. The series will chronicle his wacky recovery as he moves back into his family home and adjusts to his wife’s new husband Dan and his two kids. The networks are staying mum, all they will say is ” It’s like a real life ‘Brady Bunch with a super hot Occupational Therapist and more drama.”

War In Israel ?: Only if it’s Two Sided

Hey friends in North America. Remember when our country used to belong to the people we call natives because they were here first? No, you don’t, not in the literal sense because you weren’t there. You do remember it from school though right?

Sure back then it was just a bunch of forests, sweat lodges, and Hyde drying stations and now it’s brick houses with two car garages, Thompson Hotels, and restaurants that cure the meat for you. Totally different landscape right?  You do think the British were wrong for taking their land but you would not just hand over your house, would you?

I’ll take it one step further. If they were trying to kill you for your house would you fight back? Oh, you would? So why are you condemning Israel for doing it?…. Even you ‘ The Onion’ ?!

It’s a war.  It’s awful and most of the people implemented don’t even want it. It’s all grey area with very little black and white but for some reason *ahem* Israel is held to a different more stringent standard than the rest of the volatile world.

The IDF shows restraint as rockets fired to target Israeli civilians mount well into the hundreds. They retaliate with Twitter campaigns, surgical attacks on terrorist leaders, air drop warning fliers in Arabic to Gaza citizens. They are vilified.

There is tragic loss of civilian life in Gaza, it’s not fine, but it is war. If Israel loses its right defend itself it ceases to be a war and simply becomes a one-sided massacre on its people. 

Don’t: A Girl’s Guide to Co-ed Sports

This is something I should have brought up a long time ago. It’s about co-ed sports. Worst. Idea. EVER. K, not, ever, there have certainly been worse ideas, like Hitler’s idea, whoever’s ideas the jokes on ‘ Two Broke Girls’ are, and my idea that I should become a dog walker.

 The reason co-ed sports happened is that girls who grew up in the 80’s didn’t have that much exposure to playing team sports. Now, they want to play for exercise, or to wear high socks or whatever. There is a dearth of women’s leagues for beginners; a vicious cycle exacerbated  by the by the fact that despite the growing interest from women, co-ed is almost always the most convenient option.

Rodney Dangerfield and Jackee teach these girls about getting no respect 

 Co-ed teams lose by default if there aren’t two girls playing at all times so guys always want you to join; don’t. All that means is that games are 3 on 3 instead of 5 on 5.  The rare team who utilizes the girls on the team, however marginally, always win. Why, you ask? They have TWO EXTRA FUCKING PLAYERS that’s why!

 Another reason for this terrible way to spend a Monday evening is shitty dudes. All dudes, all of them! Are shitty if they are on a co-ed sports pitch. Some will literally fight you for the ball. These guys are choosing co-ed sports over men’s league.  Why are you playing with girls dickhead?  Seriously. Why?

 I could speculate but I am partial to the scientific method. While causation could not be found I did find strong correlations through observational research. Here are the four distinct archetypes that are attracted to co-ed sports:

 ‘ The White Guy’

He’s just an average white guy. He can be ethnic but it doesn’t matter. He probably owns a Man U shirt that he will annoyingly refer to as a ‘strip’. In the off- season he wears a dress shirt from American Eagle tucked out of his baggy jeans to hide his spare tire. Chances are you can jump higher than him if you correct for height.  He wants to see your boobs but not at the expense of you not passing to him immediately after taking the ball from the other team. He will yell at you until you pass. He’s boring as shit.

 This, is the face of other people’s narcolepsy

‘ The Boyfriend’

Oh, you love your girlfriend? So sweet. Then show her some respect and pass the ball to her when you have two guys on you and she’s three feet away and wide open. She will never get better or have fun if you don’t. Also, she has the endurance, she runs 20 miles a week and your gut is beginning to creep over your belt line since this weekly game of playing sports with girls is your only exercise.

I know, I’d be having second thoughts too

 The Fat Fuck

This guy is, you guessed it, fat as fuck. Fatter than all of the other average 30 something dudes that are just guys you never want to see with their shirts off.( guys over 30 with good bodies are playing in men’s/ gay leagues). The team ‘fat fuck’ always has a plan in the huddle on the 40 yard line. It involves gazelle- like girls counting steamboats while he heroically runs it into the end zone. It should be noted that he’s too fat to run that far without sustaining a hip injury. Also, he won’t have to because he’s the slowest guy on the field.

Working on his perfect spiral and 16th heart attack 

 The Dipshit

The dipshit is a real dipshit. If there is going to be an on- field altercation it will be between your team’s dipshit and the opposing team’s dipshit. It will happen at least once a season. It is also noteworthy that the dipshit will play the least minutes on the field because they will inevitably sustain a variety of injuries due to their Kobe Bryant, one man show playing style. The dipshit fails to recognize that he is no Kobe Bryant, on, or off the field. Despite his weak participation showing he says shit like: ‘whatever dude, whatever’ and also tells female team members to’ get out of his way.’

Red : Bro, I’ll fuck you up bro .Yellow: Bro, I’ll fuck you up bro. Red: Bro, I’ll fuck you up bro. Yellow: Bro, I’ll fuck you up bro. Red: Bro, I’ll fuck you up bro Yellow: Bro, I’ll fuck you up bro .Red: Bro, I’ll fuck you up bro. Yellow: Bro, I’ll fuck you up bro

 There you have it ladies, co-ed sports! If you want to play a sport put pressure on your local organization to start one and in the mean time find a women’s team and make the trip. I’m not saying the better players are going to be feeding you the ball all the time but you will get some passes. If you fuck up, the pressure of representing your entire species is off. Only you look like an ass, not the the whole female race.  

If you are playing as a way to keep fit while meeting guys, find a women’s team. There are a lot of clubs that have a post game social element with men’s teams. The guys are hotter and have that favourable personality trait of wanting to play with people  that are their own size and skill levels. Also, you will meet a bunch of new girls with a network of co-workers, brothers, guy friends, and ex’s all looking for love, and they want to introduce them to you’re your hot single ass.

Duped: An ‘F’ Movie Makes Our Decisions

‘ The Innocence of Muslims’ is offensive. Sure, to Muslims; mostly though to aspiring young filmmakers who can’t secure a couple of bucks to make a creepy art film that no one will watch or understand. The film looks like sketch comedy created by a high school class in a wealthy enough neighborhood that they could have a green screen. Such  ‘F’ level filmmaking that I wonder if it was the experiment of a marketing agency questioning Marshall Mcluhan’s ‘the medium is the message’. If so, who is backing them and hoping for a beneficial result? The Angry Social Media and Sociology Students Association? The Democrats? The Republicans? Or Al – Quaida?

Using modified blackface is the first thing you learn in film school

Somehow this disaster of an independently and duplicitously produced ‘film’ has become an international incident causing murderous ramapages, mediastorms, and the torching of a KFC because fatness is very American. While Sam Bacile, himself with three aliases, or Sam Bacile with two other actual guys did mean for the film to be offensive, and of course blamed on some ‘unnamed’ Jewish people, I wonder what his real intention was.

Were his anti- Islamic sentiments intended to somehow simply vindicate Egyption Coptic Christians? Were they programmed to create more volatility in already perilous places? Were they meant for the Republicans to find reasons to call Obama a pussy? Or were they meant to make Obama bend to the pressure of being called a pussy and behave like a Republican? The real question is, did the producers bank on a misguided overreaction from the Arab world?

Very feasibly yes.  The Muslims are not known for their sense of humor when it comes to religion. Ask Salman Rushdie or a Jyllands- Posten Cartoonist. It’s the equivalent of telling a ‘yo mama joke to a still breastfeeding nine year old who’s mom has just been caught playing the teacher’s rusty trombone; that chubby little bastard will beat the shit out anyone in the fourth grade just for knowing Mr. Smith.

That’s not entirely true actually. Islam is not one kid with a needy mom. It’s a whole nation of people and they don’t all behave the same way. But, still a pretty safe bet that a handful of extremists will emerge with home made explosives and infidel directed fury, happy to have an excuse and the direction of congregational leaders to exercise it.

Libya and Egypt, the most central in the murderous uprising directed at a shitty film are in the midst of revolutions being tipped in the direction of creating more extreme Islamic states. Both nations are still volatile and power is still shifting. As any dictatorship inspired leader knows there is no better time to exploit your people for political and financial gain.

 

One of these people’s dogs is the luckier one

While this hateful distraction becomes a tactical unofficial campaigning dream in the Middle East we must not forget the upcoming elections in the West. As Obama and Romney faceoff so too do the political pundits; using the attacks to create instability and uncertainty at home, creating an atmosphere where the one who succeeds in calming nerves and building a reputation as a protector will also govern economics, healthcare, taxes, pipelines, and family planning.

Al Gore made ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ with an ostensible, positive message. He is a well connected household name, with a huge budget. Arguably, the net impact of his work had some influence on some Prius drivers to recycle more. Sam Bacile, a possibly fictional character, makes a mockery of an art form and creates a fallout that will cultivate beliefs in the future with his seemingly innocuous little free speech envelope pusher. The comically crappiness of this film combined with the fallout seems too hyperbolic to be coincidental.

 


Not Just a Party: It’s Just that Gay People Know How To Protest

I am not proud about the general sex I have or have had, no matter how hard I rocked it. I am not ashamed of it, I just don’t think it’s an achievement like winning a prestigious award or convincing your friends to like your new boyfriend that makes you watch UFC on Saturday nights.  Literally, a monkey could do it AND make it less complicated.

Celebrating my pride in Hanna Barbera cartoon fetish sex

The celebration of gay pride is not that literal. It is not the celebration of hot, jacked gay dudes and New York Knick Jersey wearing Sapphics, marching to celebrate the merits of salad tossing and santorum. It is pride in an epic fight to exist without prejudice and danger. It is not a march about the actual sex people are having but a march for people to be allowed to have the age appropriate, consensual sex that they want to have and to be allowed be spend gawdawful boring weekends at IKEA fighting with their partner just like everyone else without secretly resenting them for their disappointing sex junk.

If you ask an American what this flag represents they will guess that it’s Canada’s conservative party flag

Gay Pride may seem overtly sexual maybe because at the core of it sexuality is a big part of life and romantic love. It doesn’t hurt that it’s hot out and little clothing is worn. It’s fun, there are parties and people hook up. The same can be said for a church youth group away baseball tournament in Rochester. That doesn’t mean the kids don’t want to win trophy at the end. 

16 and pregnant auditions season 4: Iowa

Some angry queers began protesting alone in the 80’s and now a GO bus harmoniously surrounded by dancing men in rainbow banana hammocks and young women styled like Justin Bieber marches with them. It tells the world that here, in this city, gay rights are no longer a grass roots cause for perceived outcasts but one legitimate, lucrative, and valid enough that banks are putting their names all over it.

What heinous crime does one have to commit to be relegated to the inside of the bus?

Obviously, it’s not entirely selfless support. Corporations view their parade presence as valuable ad space. What moving company doesn’t want to be the first name in lesbian second dates? This type of capitalism isn’t a bad thing. If the ad people want to seduce you, they want in your proverbial pants. Regardless of the sweaty gigoloness of it all, it creates backing that will some day spread beyond the borders of liberal cities in first world countries. Employees and communities will have to tolerate and eventually accept the gay people in their world.  

Let’s play some some Skrillex on the stereo and get quilting

Despite the fun we have on Toronto parade day the world is not one big rainbow gaytopia with nothing more to do than dance to repetitive Eurobeats. Gay rights are still not with out troubles and one does not need to look far to find tragic examples like Billy Lucas, the Indiana teen who hung himself to end the abuse, or Ryan Lester who was beaten in the usual safety of Church Street, or the several gay Iranian refugees at 519 Church street.

 I just hope that if the movement keeps doing what it does it will be contagious, just as bigots believe being gay is, but minus the ‘special cure’ concocted by the religious right.

I have to admit that watching people watch the parade makes me a bit misty because it means so many different things to so many different people.This year my most horseradish in the nose sensation inducing sight was an old woman swathed in black robes and a hijab rocking a giant Canadian flag cape watching so intently as the parade danced by. Visually she stood out like a sore thumb and I can only speculate as to why she was there but I am so glad she had a place to be.

The gay community is such a diverse group who, despite that, got their shit together and fought, hard, together, to change things.  It’s so powerful that I think Barack Obama was at a parade one year and saw two 80 year old men holding hands and thought; you know what ‘yes we can’

PLEEAAASEEE!!!! If you are American… just vote for him

My New York Times Reject: The Ethics of Meat Eating

At the beginning man ate meat, simple. They lived in the forest, had lots of hair, and hunted with their bare hands. There was no shipment of Thai Rambutans, Peruvian Quinoa, and Greek Yogurt at the local market. At that time humans were a fully integrated link in the food chain; not a velvet rope that clicked into the chain creating an exclusive feeding frenzy. The ever-increasing opulence of the velvet rope is the reason that the question of omnivore ethics is on the rise.

 As humans evolve, along with their meat acquisition practices, citing biology as the answer to the ethical question of meat eating becomes increasingly less relevant. The very definition of meat can sometimes be convoluted.

 We can no longer define meat a once living being with flesh and blood. Based on this definition, the ethics of omnivorous logic could carry over to the hunting of dogs, cats, and even humans. These are categories that the sane majority of North America has compartmentalized as ‘not meat’ because they are the objects of human affection.

 According to Dr. Bernd Heinrich, a biologist and endurance runner, biped humans were slower than their prey but were the only animals given the ability to cool through perspiration. This allowed humans the perseverance to successfully kill while their game panted in the shade. He argues that meat is the reason we run. Very few would argue with the correlation between meat eating and this genetic tweak.

 Some however would have difficulty believing that a bloated North American couch enthusiast could run far and fast enough despite their ability to sweat profusely. Has the modern omnivore lost the necessary biology to use an evolutionary argument for their right to eat meat?

Arguably, the human brain evolved to compensate for the loss of physicality. We have developed better tools, better storage, and the domestication and husbandry of livestock. Assuming this is true there is one caveat: the definition of meat.

 Beyond a social contract not to slaughter those we love there is the health factor. If you eat a bad mussel, at best you are spending the night in the washroom and at worst, eternity underground. If food is bad, your body rejects it. Our cuter less evolved, food sharing cousins have been known to vomit sympathetically if one tribe member is sick as a preemptive strike in order to avoid illness of epidemic proportions.  One would pass on a bad mussel with upfront information about its toxicity. That mussel can then also be classified as ‘not meat’.

 What if ‘bad food’ is not so acute? What if the conditions of factory farming practices are so unnatural that they are creating animals so unwell that they must be managed with hormones and antibiotics on a daily basis? Eating these ailing medicated animals has repercussions on human health. Do we willingly eat something that is killing us slowly? Do we still consider this meat?

 Eating naturally caught and raised animals that are free to roam and remain healthy in an environmentally intended way are congruent with an evolutionary justification.  Those animals are flesh and blood as well as arbitrarily free from human affection but also remain a natural part of the food chain without interference beyond evolutionary allowances. They are ‘meat’.

 We are biologically programmed to eat meat. We have been given the tools to obtain meat and as long as our species and our bodies continue to benefit from its consumption I believe an evolutionary argument is valid and true. We must just be careful not to over-evolve ourselves into extinction.

 * Animals are cute and lovely so try not to eat them