Superbowl Apathy: A Wing Lover’s Guide To Eating With Football And Kind Of Understanding What’s Happening
The Superbowl is on Sunday and a lot of people don’t care but want to go to a party where there is delicious Chili. The thing is that The Superbowl happens every year and you don’t want to lose future invites because you are a football ignoramus who does something that sports fans consider shitty. Something like irreverently getting in front of the TV, raising your arm and screaming ‘ Go Mets!’ at the pivotal moment where the Ravens are about to beat the spread. Don’t know why that’s bad or even what the fuck it means? Read this, get the basics so that you can annually, and forever unabashedly feast on something that is on a chicken body, without purpose covered in BBQ sauce and Blue Cheese.
This is Beyonce’s Superbowl or Superbowl XLVII . It is being played in New Orleans. Luckily, you don’t have to call it that and you can just refer to it as ‘Superbowl 41. I don’t know why they use Roman numerals since very few people know how to read them, especially football fans. I am curious whom in the organization’s job it is to figure out how to write it.
The Baltimore Ravens- They are purple and have a bird on their outfits. Their Quarterback, who is kind of the main guy is Joe Flacco, he’s only ok cute. Eyes will be on Ray Lewis, he considered a very good linebacker, is retiring this year, and may or may not have been involved on the non- victim side of a murder 13 years ago. If you are picking teams arbitrarily and have an affinity for literature pick the Ravens because they were named after the Edgar Allan Poe poem.
In a tie with Hitchcock’s Bird’s for ‘scariest fowl’ award by the Ottobon Society
The San Francisco 49ers – They are gold and red and have the number 49 in actual number numerals on their football costume. Their quarterback is, well, it’s complicated. It was this guy Alex Smith but now it’s this other guy Colin Kaepernick. * Awkward*. Smith got demoted because he got a concussion while helping his team get where they are today. It’s not murder drama but it’s a good human interest story. They will probably keep showing his scorned face on TV. It will make for good reality programming and/ or a good drinking game. If you are picking teams arbitrarily and like going to better cities over lamer ones this is your team.
Their first win was stealing this logo from the Schadenfreude Guild. The team’s happiness over the coup was the ultimate demise of the guild.
The point of the game is to get the ball from your zone into the other team’s zone. A touchdown is when someone on your team, usually, a super jacked, agile black dude runs the ball in while holding it. That is called a touchdown and is worth six points. If it gets kicked through those posts it’s called a field goal, that’s worth three points.
After a touchdown or field goal the team gets to go for a conversion. A kick is worth one point and running it in is worth two, they usually kick. Both are from really close. A missed conversion is kind of funny.
There are rules to get points. Each team has an offensive line and defensive line. When a team’s offensive line is playing they are trying to score against the other team’s defensive line. You can tell which line is which because the offensive linemen are a combination of skinny guys and guys who look like they get paid to eat cheeseburgers. Defensive lines look like what the army may have used before tanks were invented.
When a team has possession it means the offensive line get four tries to go ten yards. Each of those tries is called a down. If they go ten or more yards they start counting down again. If not they lose the ball. When they know this is going to happen they usually kick the ball as far into the opposing zone as they can so that the other team has farther to travel when they try to score. Occasionally they will lose possession because the other team’s defensive line will intercept the ball.
Given the legal troubles of many football players this ‘many chances’ thing appears to be a life philosophy, just ask OJ Simpson.
It doesn’t fit…. acquit!
Unless you are watching the game with giant losers who are either gambling more than they can afford with a bookie that will chop their hand off, or superfans who’s giant guts are painted like jerseys it’s ok to talk.
There is always at least one non-football related conversation happening. That’s part of the fun. Just don’t be louder than the TV and also, if something major is happening, just watch. It will only take like 20 seconds, then resume your discussion about whether or not Beyonce used a surrogate.